Flashy suits, ugly shoes, expensive haircuts, a pompous loud father who manipulated the sports media for his own gain, complicated hard to follow trades, unnecessary large touch screens, old sext tweets, and the universal criticism of Phil Jackson are just a few of the things that went down last night during the 2017 NBA Draft.

American Twitter was filled with Trump being a symbol for the dying baby boomer generation, terrorist attacks, police brutality, and NBA trade rumors. Huge names like Jimmy Butler, Paul George, DeAndre Jordan, and Kristaps Porzingis were being thrown around as trade bait right before the draft. With so much uncertainty in the air, I tuned in for the draft to see if any of the major names were traded.

Jimmy Butler Trade

The Bulls are just months removed from beating the one seeded Celtics in the first round of the playoffs. A Rondo injury and a $24 million opt in for Wade later, the Bulls are now in full rebuild mode. They traded Jimmy Butler, one of the top 15 players in the league who likes to play defense, to Minnesota. Butlers name has been in trade talks since last year and I can now see why the Bulls never pulled the trigger. If the Minnesota trade is any indication of what offers they were getting for Butler, I can see why they turned them down.

Minnesota received Jimmy Butler and the number 16 pick.

Chicago received Zach “dunk contest champ with a freshly blown out knee” Lavine, Kris “shot 30% from the floor last year” Dunn, and the number 7 pick.

That’s all you get for a top 15 player who is only 27 these days? To make things even more scandalous, Butler was on vacation in Paris when he heard the news of the trade. Wade was also on vacation with his now former teammate and had just opted into his contract to stay in Chicago. Awkward.

Phil Jackson and the Knicks

Knicks and NBA fans a whole were confused when it was revealed that Phil Jackson had made Porzingis available for trades. The one good thing to come out of the Jackson era in New York was close to being traded away. Porzingis skipping the exit interviews and having no contact with the Knicks since the final game of the regular season has not set well with the Zen master. Jackson has all but ruined his 11 ring legacy with his half assed and out dated ideals running the Knicks. He has ruined the trade value of the already hard to trade Carmelo Anthony, hired Derek Fisher as head coach, rarely goes to draft combines and work outs (and when he does he falls asleep), and now wants to get rid of their best young player. What a mess in New York. A logical owner would have fired Jackson a while ago, but James Dolan is far from logical and spent last night playing at a concert for his terrible band.

Lavar Ball

The professional wrestler worthy heel was in full form during draft night. He was wearing a big baller brand hat in the Lakers colors. He had BBB shoes in Lakers colors ready to give to his son after he was draft. Everyone can hate Lavar, in fact I think that is what he wants, but you can’t deny that so far what he predicted hasn’t happened. His son has his own shoe deal and was drafted by the Lakers. Mission accomplished.

Jay Bilas

The former Dukey and current LeBatard Show hater Jay Bilas was feisty all night (well at least in the first round, I didn’t stay up for the second). He was jokingly (at least I think jokingly) confrontational with host Rece Davis and smugly stared into the camera when he dropped interesting fun facts about draftees hunting habits and computer building skills. He also was aware of the online drinking game that was hyped up for the draft making an effort to say ridiculous length as many times as possible. After D.J. Wilson was drafted Bilas said “Milwaukee is getting some Ridiculous length to add to their ridiculous length.”

John Calipari

After two program ruining recruiting scandals at UMASS and Memphis, Calipari sat at the ESPN desk proudly after 3 of his players were drafted in the top 14 picks. ESPN gave Calipari the massive platform to recruit players on national TV in an awkward interview. This conversation lasted quite a while and the Bucks were ready to announce their pick for several minutes. So the proceedings were held to allow ESPN to go long on the interview. As soon as Calipari was cut off,  commissioner Silver walked out to the podium to announce the Bucks pick. The NBA waited for ESPN allowing their production team some leeway not hindered by the 5 minute regulated time in between picks. I guess that is what  $1.4 billion a year gets you, an extended interview during the draft.

Old Sex Tweets

A few years ago when I was a young confused soul who thought police was my career, I applied for a role in a reserve police department. Knowing they would probably look at my social media I went through all of posts deleting all of the shady and self incriminating ones. As we learned with Mitch “I love kissing titties” Trubisky, drafted eligible players do not have the same foresight. Below are a few tweets that the internet found last night from freshly drafted players:




Markelle Fultz also posted this gem on his instagram after being drafted. Oh the easily avoidable land mines that draftees still manage to step on.


Other Trades

Boston/Philadelphia – Boston received the number 3 pick and a future first round pick for the 2018 or 2019 draft while Philadelphia moved up to the number 1 spot to take Makelle Fultz.

Charlotte/Atlanta – Charlotte received the unlikeable Dwight Howard and the 31st pick in the draft while Atlanta received Marco Belinelli, Miles Plumlee, and the 41st pick in the draft.

Los Angeles Lakers/Brooklyn – the Lakers traded the once promising D’Angelo Russell and the horrible contract of Timofey Mozgov to the Nets for Brook Lopez and the 27th pick. I actually thought this was a good move for both teams.

Portland/Sacramento – Portland received number 10 pick and Sacramento received the number 15 and number 20 pick.

On paper this trade makes sense as Sacramento traded one pick for two more in the top 20. But Malik Monk was still available at 10. Instead of picking one of the top players in the draft who fell to the 10th spot, the Kings traded back and selected a dude who was home schooled (Justin Jackson) and another dude who has the knees of a 85 year old man (Harry Giles).

New Orleans/Washington – New Orleans received the 52nd pick in the draft for giving Tim Frazier to the Wizards.

Utah/Denver – The Jazz moved up to the 13th pick by giving Trey Lyles and the 24th pick to the Nuggets.

Memphis/Orlando – The Grizzlies traded a future second round pick to the Magic for the 35th pick which they used to take Ivan Rabb, a Zach Randolph replacement.

Philadelphia/Orlando – The 76ers traded a 2020 conditional 1st and 2nd round pick for the 25th pick from the magic.

Utah/Los Angeles Lakers – The Jazz received the 28th pick from the Lakers for the 30th and 42nd pick.

Golden State/Chicago – The Warriors received their only pick in the draft, the 38th pick from the Bulls for good cold hard cash.

Indiana/New Orleans – The still Paul George led Pacers received the 52nd pick from New Orleans for cash.

New Orleans/Charlotte – The Pelicans received the 31st pick and the Hornets received cash and the 40th pick.

Memphis/Houston – Memphis traded a future second round pick to Houston for the 45th pick.

Los Angeles Clippers/Milwaukee – The Clippers traded cash to the Bucks for the 48th pick (their only selection in the draft).

Draft Selections: